May 12, 2013 – YA Chit Chat

I’ve never done this before so I’m going to do it now.

I want to say Happy Mother’s Day to my moms – my birth mother and my adoptive mother.

To my birth mom: I never knew you. I don’t know what you look like; if you’re alive or dead. I’m not sure if I have brothers or sisters. I don’t know my medical history. I do know your name, I know how old you were when you had me and I know you loved me enough to give me away to a family who could care for me when you could not. You loved me enough to specify what sort of family had to adopt me: an American military family with at least one sibling was on the top list of your priorities. It was important to you I grow up educated, well-traveled and you knew my middle-class family could take care of me and provide me with the lifestyle you wished for me. Thank you for giving birth to me, and giving me to a family who loved me and cared for me as if I was their own.

To my adoptive mom: I love you and I miss you terribly. When you passed away five years ago, I lost a friend, a confidant, my mom in every sense of the word.

I know there were times when I was growing up I made your life hell. I know there were many times you cursed me, but never to my face. There were 1000 times and more we didn’t see eye to eye, but I always knew I could talk to you. I always knew you loved me. I’d rather fight with you now, than not have you at all. There are still times I reach for the phone and say, “I have to call Mama,” but you’re not here. I wish you were. I’d give anything to hear your voice once more. To tell you how much I love you.

You gave me some wonderful memories, Mama, and you were always my biggest champion even when, all those years ago, I didn’t think you were. I see it now. You were always there to lend a hand, wipe a tear, offer a shoulder to cry on, and listen when I needed someone to vent to. Thank you for caring for me during all the rough times including the rounds of measles and chicken pox. You taught me about sex, tampons and the importance of yearly exams. I wish I’d listened to your advice on men. Then again, if I had, I may not have my beautiful kids.

Thank you for giving me a love of reading and writing, for animals, and for life. Thank you for carting me around to all my school functions, the doctors, and for humming in the shower. You always made me smile when I heard you hum in the shower. Thank you for taking me all over Germany when I was little and showing me all the cities and sites. Because of you, I have an insatiable need to travel and experience different cultures and foods. I also developed a love for castles. I wonder if that could be because you took me to see so many.

Thank you for buying Elvis Presley concert tickets 3 times and taking me to see him. You knew how much I loved his voice and music. Thank you for being there when Daddy died. I knew it was hard on you but you always had a hug and time for me when I needed to cry. Thank you for traveling all over downtown Atlanta looking for majorette costumes and taking me to fittings. Thank you for giving me Daddy, my brother and an amazing home and life. I’m sorry we fought when I was younger. I didn’t realize how blessed I was. I do now.

If you can see me now, Mama, I’d like to take this time to say I’m sorry for all the grief and heartache I put you through. I wish I could hug you one more time and tell you how much I love you and need you. Please know I will always hold you close to my heart, and there isn’t a day I don’t think of you. Even though you are not with me physically, you remain my rock, my shield…my mom. I will always love you.