A Demon of the Past is Destroying the Present and I’m the Scapegoat…again.

I have four children and each of them are as different as night and day from each other.  They are unique and that’s what makes them special and beautiful.  They each have their own opinions, their own way of looking at things and trust me, these varied opinions have led to some issues between the kids.  They’ve also tested the temperaments of  the parents over the years.  What I didn’t expect was being told by my oldest she can’t rely on me or trust me.

She can’t rely and trust me because of something I said on Facebook that didn’t agree with her opinion.  The conversation then took to e-mail where she said some things that really, really tore at my heart and left me very hurt and sad.  Never once has she apologized for hurting me or for being 50/50 responsible for the conversation escalating to the level it did.

Because I disagreed with her, she ‘un-friended’ me.  Now, this wouldn’t hurt so much except that’s where I can find all the latest and greatest pictures of my precious grand-daughter.  See, she lives on the other side of the country so I don’t get to see her, and she’s not a phone person, so I don’t get to talk to her.  FB was my only lifeline to this sweet little girl.  So now, because my daughter is mad at me, I can’t ‘see’ my grand-daughter.

After a very nice e-mail asking her how her Mother’s Day went and to relay all the scoop and good news on my end, I get an e-mail addressing no other points except the FB issue in which she states she unfriended me because she can’t rely on me or trust me, and therefore can’t have me in her circle of friends.  My posts made her feel threatened, unsafe.  She needs positive influences surrounding her and I’m not one of them.  

All because I’m a conservative and I disagreed with her on an abortion matter.

I think this all stems from a very angry demon in her past that she blames me for.  In her eyes, I should have been there, I should have stopped what happened, even though I didn’t know it was going on.  Despite my efforts to ‘fix’ it once I found out, she will always view me as unreliable and untrustworthy.

Why doesn’t that logic work in reverse?

As a parent I dealt with my kids lying, sneaking, having secrets, throwing temper tantrums, bad-mouthing me, name-calling, being nasty and defiant, shedding irrational tears, going through nasty hormonal challenges, showing disrespect, putting holes in walls, screaming, shouting and much, much more.  Not one of them cared how it affected me, how they hurt me, how much they ripped my heart out.  And I’m unreliable and trustworthy?  

I’m sorry, kids, but despite all that, I’m still here.  Out of all your ‘friends’ you’ve had over the years, who is still here despite being kicked around like a dog? How many of those people did you know are still with you after passing through your emotional hell?  One, maybe two?  Oh yeah, and me.

But I’m unreliable and untrustworthy.

To my kids and all the kids of the world…I made mistakes, plenty of them.  I’m a parent, I’m not perfect.  Parents are human.  We hurt.  We break.  We’re not made of steel.  And we love you more than ourselves.  So what makes me, a caring parent, different from my child?  No matter what happens in life, I would never EVER in a million years shun my child simply because she disagreed with me on an issue.

But I didn’t have to.  My daughter did that to me all on her own.

Yes, I suspect this demon from the past is still alive and well, and he’s destroying the present.  Guess what…I’m the scapegoat, again.  But I suppose that’s what unreliable and untrustworthy moms are made for.

Too bad it hurts so freaking bad.

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17 responses to “A Demon of the Past is Destroying the Present and I’m the Scapegoat…again.

  1. terrirochenski

    It’s truly sad when children turn their backs on the ONLY person in the world who would willingly take an ice pick in the eye for them. A mother’s love cannot be withdrawn or squashed. I’m sure there are circumstances where this IS possible – mental illness / problems – but we were wired to act that way toward our offspring. Even if one doesn’t believe in God, nature behaves in the same way.

    Hugs to you, my friend. Continue to be faithful, and hopefully she’ll see the error of her words and ways.

    • Thanks, Terri. I am not without blame in this because I responded to her emotionally and not logically. Actually, I shouldn’t have responded at all, but she has a way of getting under my skin and pushing every button I have.

  2. Sorry about this. Daughters and Mothers have tortured each other since Adam and Eve. We hear about the brothers Cain and Abel, right, but never the daughters, who probably stopped talking to Eve because they blamed her for something that pissed them off when they were growing up. That’s why no mention of them in the bible. But…I would just pull back, say nothing, don’t apologize; say nothing!! once a month, send a card that only says one thing; “I love you” period. I’m a grandmother of nine and believe me, daughters never ever understand their mothers until they are grandmothers, themselves..

    One other thing, don’t talk politics or religion, ever, ever, ever. with the kids, because they will argue just to drive you nuts.

  3. I’m so sad for you, Jenny. I hope your daughter finds a way to deal with her demons. Life is too short to be angry at someone for a supposed “crime.” I just hope for your sake that she calms down soon so you don’t miss another day of seeing photos of your granddaughter.

  4. I’m sorry to hear you’re having problems. The mother/daughter relationship is incredibly complex and tortuous (for both sides, I imagine.)

    I don’t have children, but I know that at times I’ve taken advantage of my mom’s unconditional love. Knowing that no matter what we throw at her, she’ll be there. As I’ve grown older, I’ve started seeing her more as a “person”, rather than a “superhuman mom” type figure. And it’s definitely made me more aware and sensitive with regards to the things I say and do in our relationship.

    I hope you both find a way to work this out. Sending nothing but good thoughts your way :)

  5. I’m so sorry to hear this, Jenny. What an incredibly sad state off affairs. Does your daughter read your blog? If so, hopefully she can see the effect this has had on you.
    Because she’s so far away and you only have one means of communication (FB) it must be really hard and heartbreaking for you :(

    • I don’t know if she reads my blog or not. Probably not as my thoughts usually don’t jive with hers. I hope we both can find some sort of happy ground to meet on. We do talk by phone but only if there is a problem on her end. She rarely calls to just bs. I’m not her ‘friend’ and I guess that’s ok. I told her while she was growing up I was her mom first; that she had enough friends without me being her ‘friend’. I guess she thinks that still holds.

  6. Marilyn Griffin

    You think when they get old enough to have chilfdren of their own…they will learn… what unconditional love is…
    It seems to take a lot for children to see that we, as parents hurt too…
    Best to you …and hopefully this can be resolved …if only communicationbetween the two of you about your Granddaughter…

  7. We can’t change the past, and I get really annoyed when people try to throw our mistakes back in our face. Yes, it may still hurt. But we ALL hurt people in our lives at times, and I think 99% of the time, it’s unintentional. We all fall short. I tell me daughter to build a bridge and get over it when she’s upset with me. We can take it as a learning experience for the future. That’s the only calling we’ve been given–to do what is right, right now. Nothing more, nothing less, which is why I pray for God’s guidance every day. I hope your daughters comes around soon <3

  8. Although it may hurt, keep trying to reach her and let her know you bear her no grudge. I hope your daughter eventually realizes that you will always be there for her, no matter what. Hugs. :)

  9. Pingback: You Never Know How Strong You Are Until Being Strong Is the Only Choice You Have | change it up editing

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